What is your legacy?

One the biggest impressions you can make on another person is how they feel when they are around you. I have said this before but it bears repeating. We can all witness to the fact that while some folks are easy to be around, others make us uncomfortable. We walk away feeling second rate, unsure, tired, confused, even angry. Who are these people and why do they make us feel this way? And furthermore, what can we do about it?

One type of 'bad vibe' sender is the person I like to call THE JUDGE . During your conversations with THE JUDGE they will say things like "Oh, I would never let my children do that", or "We don't watch that show at our house", or "You let your kids eat that?". While they don't necessarily come out and say that your doing things wrong, you always get the feeling they don't approve.

THE INSPECTOR is similar to THE JUDGE. THE INSPECTOR is always watching you closely, too closely. In your home, he/she will examine every novel on your bookcase. You always wonder what it is they are looking for. Again, this person is unlikely to say anything, but you get the general drift.

My daughter is friends with the ONE UPPER. This gal is competitive over negative things. If you had a cold, she had pneumonia. If you had a bad day, hers was far worse. If you worked hard, she worked harder. In short, don't expect her compassion or understanding because this girl has the lead role in your local pity production.

I spent 7 years married the TRAGIC FIGURE. This guy is just a misunderstood lone wolf drifting helplessly through life. It is never his fault. Other people don't get him and he feels damaged by it. If he raises his voice, it is because he is passionate. If you raise your voice, it is because you are volatile. If he cries, it is because he is sensitive. If you cry, it is because you are manipulative. Avoid this type at all costs.

Currently, we are dealing with THE GOSSIP. Okay, several of them. They all come from different standpoints. These girls don't need explanation, we have all been there before.

Which brings us to the question, "Who are these people?". I honestly don't know but I have some theories. Please accept the universal disclaimer that I am not a therapist or trained professional. Just someone who is dumb enough to write about my life experiences and then try to analyze them. Anyway, I suspect most of these people are doing the best they can with what little social resources they possess. They most likely have low self esteem and need to belittle others to make themselves feel better. Others may be simply self absorbed. It helps a lot if you can make yourself understand that while their attacks feel personal, they are simply reacting to their narrow view of the world.

Okay, if that bit of witticism didn't help much, here are some coping skills for dealing with 'haters'. First off, just walk away. Yeah it sounds like advice a mom would give to her grade-schooler , but it really works. If you leave every time someone opens their mouth to dump on you, they can't do it. Another tactic I like is to wait for them to finish and say " Well, thanks for sharing that with me. I'll give it some serious thought." If you let just a teensy bit of sarcasm creep in, they'll get the hint, or will at least be confused enough to leave you alone while they ponder whether or not you meant it.

When talking to ONE UPPER, I used to say things like 'you win' but the message was not received well and it made the situation worse. Instead, offer your condolences with phrases like "Wow, I am sorry your life is so rough". Often, that person will blink and wonder why I said that. This is because they do not realize what they are doing.

As for the INSPECTOR and THE JUDGE, your only recourse is to avoid them. Throwing pointed remarks can give the message that you don't like their approach but I equate that to stooping to their level.

My yucky person antidote is my friend Shirley who is a bright and shining star in a dark world. She is an invaluable friend because she is genuine, heartfelt, non judgmental and utterly kind. To be in her presence is refreshing and joyful. She has a gift for making everyone near feel like a better version of themselves. People like this are perhaps the rarest of all.

From time to time we all fall short. Being our best at all times is not possible. But I would encourage everyone to examine themselves closely. Do you make others feel exhausted, invisible, angry, or bored? Are you critical or do you make yourself center stage? Are you competitive or easily offended? That's okay, we are all human. But don't let it go on one more day. Take this opportunity to spread your own light in the world. Good luck and God Bless!
Ellen